


Drunk Magic - War of the Spark

by Triske_MTG



Series: Drunk Magic [1]
Category: Magic: The Gathering, Magic: The Gathering (Card Game)
Genre: Gen, Parody, Summary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:28:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21762979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Triske_MTG/pseuds/Triske_MTG
Summary: Drunk Magic! It's like Drunk History, but for Magic. *catchy instrumental jingle*A parody/summary/critique of the most epic conflict in the history of Magic - me versus my desire to put down a book.
Series: Drunk Magic [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1567780
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	1. Part One

**PRELUDE**

"You and I are scheming," Ugin laughed, schemingly.

"Yes. Yes, we are scheming," Niv-Mizzet's ghost smirked, dropping obscure hints towards future plot points.

"But, to clarify, our schemes are cheeky and fun, whereas Nicol Bolas' schemes are cruel and tragic."

"Yes, yes."

"Alright, this session of mutual dragon masturbation has been fun, but I have things to do."

"At least give me a towel to clean up. Bastard."

* * *

**TEYO VERADA**

"I am the first Latinx planeswalker," says Teyo. "I think toilets are magic. This is definitely not racist."

"Quick, there is a diamond-storm coming," says Teyo's teacher. "Use your geometry shield powers to triangulate the hypotenuse of the midpoint."

"X equals 43?"

"You fool. You utter buffoon. If this was a real emergency you would have been logarithmed to death. Rhombus."

"Pretty lights," says Teyo, with the restraint and caution that YA novel protagonists are known for.

"Stop, you parallelogram!" the teacher shrieks. "Convex toroid Euclidean hexagon!"

Teyo is buried alive under diamonds. This is what happens when you walk out into a diamond-storm. Fortunately, there is a spark of hope, as an ember in his heart sparks up, igniting his inner spark.

He planeswalks, is what I'm saying.

* * *

CHANDRA

Chandra sits in her mother's apartment on Kaladesh. It is rent-controlled.

The rest of the 'watch is here with her, planning an attack on Nicol Bolas. (It is called the 'watch because Chandra is hip and yeets.) Every member of 'watch is described, even though the novel already described them in a Dramatis Personae in the front, because the novel dreams of being Long Day's Goddamn Journey Into Motherfucking Night.

"I hope Gids - not Gideon, Gids, because I am cool - comes back with Liliana and his washboard abs," Chandra sighs. She misses Liliana. She also misses Nissa, but not in a lesbian way, because then we couldn't sell this game in Russia and China. "Pretty lights," she says.

"That's an obvious trap," Jace says.

Gideon arrives, with his abs but without Liliana. "Sorry I'm late," he pants, "I was distracted by the pretty lights that are an obvious trap. Let's walk into the obvious trap."

"Goddamn that's a hot idea," Jace says. They walk into the obvious trap.

* * *

**RAL ZAREK**

Ral and Kaya stand next to the obvious trap they just activated. They are surrounded by one sleeping Lavinia and much more than one corpses. One corpse is Ral's best friend. We know very much about her, because we have read the prequel stories that haven't been released yet.

Ral has been busy double-agenting against Bolas, and tried to herd the ten guilds into giving Niv-Mizzet awesomesauce power. But then Vraska turned against Ral, adding another layer of backstabbing ricotta to this delicious lasagna of betrayal.

Oh, and Niv fought Bolas and died, by the way.

* * *

**LILIANA VESS**

Liliana is, like, totally pissed that she's Nicol Bolas' boy toy now? And the giant pyramid-citadel that Tezzeret is making is, y'know, SO eight sets ago? Ugh, gag her with a spoon.

* * *

**TEYO VERADA**

Teyo flips his shit because he is no longer on Tatooine and there is one sun instead of two. He meets Rat. Rat is kickass and has an Artful Dodger thing going. She also does not shut up, but it is a fun kind of rambling.

She's been tailing Ral Zarek, so she knows about planeswalking, and gives Teyo his daily recommended dosage of exposition. There is some light flirting. Then there is a heavy Bolas statue.

* * *

**JACE BELEREN**

Everyone arrives on Ravnica. Lavinia gives Jace the snark-down he deserves for being afk since Battle for Zendikar.

She catches everyone up on what the guilds have been doing; namely, standing around with their dicks in their hands. Except the Simic, who have been standing around with their cloaca-tusk-tentacle-dicks in their hand.

Jace reveals that the Immortal Sun exists. This makes people gasp.

* * *

**GIDEON JURA**

"My plan is to stab the dragon with the dragon-killing sword," says Gideon.

"Yes, and," says Jace, remembering his improv classes on Bablovia, "I will use my powers as Guildpact to make it illegal for Bolas to NOT be stabbed with the dragon-killing sword."

"I am willing to die to make this happen," Gideon states. He turns and winks toward the audience. "But I don't want other people to die. Chandra, Ajani, Karn, Jaya, you stay in the Guildpact Embassy where it's safe."

A sad trombone plays as the Planar Bridge smashes into the Guildpact Embassy.

* * *

**DACK FAYDEN**

Dack Fayden planeswalks to a spot in Ravnica four feet off the ground. He dusts himself off and thinks about how he has no treasure and no money. In fact, he has negative money, and owes a shitton to an Orzhov ghost.

At least his day can't get any worse from here.

* * *

**CHANDRA NALAAR**

Chandra is not dead. Jaya takes care of her own oxygen mask, then puts one on Chandra.

"What can I do to help?," asks Chandra, surrounded by flammable material.

"Please do literally nothing," sighs Jaya, as she helps Ajani and Karn out of the rubble.

"I'm helping," says Chandra.

 _"Oh God I forgot to set up childproof locks on Chandra's crib,"_ thinks Jace, very telepathically.

 _"This one, defying all laws of probability, is not on me,"_ Chandra replies telepathically and loudly.

 _"Huh,"_ Jace thinks with his brain. _"Well, Jaya, there's juiceboxes in the fridge, and we should be back around ten."_


	2. Part Two

NICOL BOLAS

Bolas sits at the top of his citadel smugly. The first pawns have been moved. The cards have been dealt. The arguments over who's the little pewter thimble have been resolved. (It's Tibalt.) He hopes he doesn't have to stand up soon, because this scheming-boner will definitely last longer than four hours.

The Gatewatch is struggling with the logistics of the nuanced tactic that is the Leroy Jenkins, so Nicol Bolas takes the opportunity to list all the planeswalkers he is better than.

It is a long list.

* * *

**JACE BELEREN**

_"The dragon famous for over-elaborate planning surely hasn't planned for me being the living embodiment of law and order on Ravnica, a fact known to everyone since 2013,"_ Jace telepathically communicates to himself.

 _Could you think any louder?,"_ Nicol Bolas telepathisizes. _"Oh, and your apartment that I just blew up was the source of all the law power."_

_"But according to the[Return to Ravnica novels](https://smile.amazon.com/Dragons-Maze-Secretist-Part-Three-ebook/dp/B00AD2OXLM/), the leylines of magical law power actually converge at the [Maze's End](https://scryfall.com/card/dgm/152/mazes-end). The Embassy of the Guildpact has no magical significance; it's just built on top of the ruins of my former apartment. (Also, note to self, spring for renter's insurance next time. Sensing a pattern here.)"_

_"Counterpoint: La la la la la I can't hear you."_

_"Dang, got me there."_

* * *

**GIDEON JURA**

_"Fortunately,_ " Gideon thinks, six-packedly, _"operation 'Cut Off Bolas's Massive Chin-Dick With My Sword And Feed It To Him' is a lore-agnostic solution. Oh, look, Liliana is here to help!"_

* * *

**LILIANA VESS**

Liliana is not here to help.

* * *

**KAYA**

Kaya is grumpy today. All the Orzhov Syndicate's magical debt contracts mentally weigh her down. Lots of people she cared about just died, but she doesn't know who they are because the prequel novel doesn't release until June.

And now an armada of blue zombies is executing people en masse.

Kaya's resume is just the words "I KILL UNDEAD THINGS. COLLEGE GPA 2.39/4.0. REFERENCES ON REQUEST" carved into the corpse of a ghost, so this is a manageable problem.

She and Ral run into Teyo and Rat. Rat is speechless for once. But this is like meeting Beyoncé, who is opening Army of Darkness on some zombie ass, and is _also president_ , so let's give her a pass.

* * *

**RAL ZAREK**

"How do you know Teyo is a planeswalker, Ral?," Kaya asks in response to a line from the last chapter I skipped over because I was having fun with the Beyoncé bit.

"Magic goggles," Ral says. "Hey, there is Jace!"

Jace is there.

Also there, and described in great detail again, are Lavinia, Chandra, Jaya, Karn, Ajani, and Gideon. Ral Zarek looks at Gideon and remembers that he is very, very gay. Ral thinks about how he would move into Gideon's apartment, clean the place while wearing a French maid outfit, and sleep on a doggy bed if Gideon asked.

Ral thinks about how he would probably move into Gideon's apartment, clean the place while wearing a French maid outfit, and sleep on a doggy bed if Gideon *didn't* ask.

The party's all here! Except for...

* * *

**VRASKA**

Vraska went to South America.

It's a tried and tested plan to dodge punishment for crimes against humanity.

She nurses an appletini while surrounded by her former pirate ship crew, including Breeches, a hyperactive pirate-goblin-monkey who loves alcohol and gambling.

Wizards, if you kill Breeches, I will burn this entire collectible card game to the ground.

She thinks about all the mistakes she's made.

There are a lot.

Oh, by the way, Vraska got all her memories back with help from a Golgari mage. Seriously. Probably one of the biggest and most emotional story beats they've set up for this finale, and not only does it happen off-screen, it's done by Crawlybug Poopsmell McRedShirt instead of the mind mage she developed a deep relationship with in one of Magic's best plotlines. This pisses me off way more than card game lore should. I want Congressional inquiries into this shit. Mark Rosewater should be tried in The Hague.

ANYHOO.

* * *

**LILIANA VESS**

Back on Ravnica, Liliana controls not only an army of zombie Eternals, but also an army of paragraphs that recap her character arc. For the teeming multitudes of players who are completely lore-illiterate but also will plop down fifteen dollars for the last chapter of that lore. She stops to punt a kitten.

"My forces are literally brainless," she declares, "and somehow they are still more coordinated than the Gatewatch. Mwa ha ha ha. Huh, I feel like a bad person right now. Why is that? It’s probably unrelated to all the murders."

* * *

 **TEYO VERAD** A

Teyo came here to kick ass and make glowy geometry shields, and he hasn't yet worked up the courage to ask anyone if they would be okay with him kicking their ass.

 _"Not good enough,"_ says Teyo's teacher in Teyo's mind. This one isn't telepathy - the poor little kid is just whipped.

_"Yessir."_

_"Stand up straight. Add another twenty-six degree to that convex angle. And for the love of Euclid, perpendicular scalene chord vertex!"_

_"Yessir."_

Gideon turns to Teyo, golden sunlight bouncing off his perfect smile. "You don't suck too much, kiddo."

Teyo stands there, slackjawed. "Can you be my new dad and teach me to ride a bicycle and tell me where babies come from?"

"Take a number and wait in line."

Huatli, Angrath, Kiora, and Tamiyo join the giant amorphous blob of planeswalkers.

* * *

**DACK FAYDEN**

Dack has a small crop of Eternals hot on his ass, so he runs like he stole something.

He has experience in the subject.


	3. Part Three

**GIDEON JURA**

Muscle RighteousFace fights valiantly against the Eternals with Blackblade. Blackblade whispers dark temptations to him, but Biff ProteinScoop refuses the call, because he is pure and mighty, like an untouched sheet of soft December snow atop a ShakeWeight.

Vivien Reid joins the party and starts throwing Pokéballs left and right. It's not very effective against the aerial onslaught of aven Eternals. The Parhelion II shows up. It's super effective. Hero SquareJaw horsejacks a pegasus off a dead legionnaire and rendezvouses with Aurelia in the skies.

"Nice horse," she says. "I trained it myself."

"What's its name?," Justice McPecBounce booms in a trumpet-call of a voice.

Aurelia smiles. "I named it 'Gideon's Two Days Until Retirement'."

* * *

**CHANDRA NALAAR**

Chandra stares in awe at the Vitu-Ghazi cathedral. "So beautiful," she whispers. "So harmonious. So combustible."

"Bad Chandra," Jaya snaps, hitting her with a rolled-up newspaper. "No immolation inside the house."

"FUCK OFF WE'RE FULL," shouts a Selesnyan centaur guard.

A zombie bird swoops down and eats his friends.

"I STILL ADVISE YOU TO FUCK OFF BUT WE DO HAVE OPENINGS."

Nissa 'walks in and animates Vitu-Ghazi. It is pleased as punch to be the Godzilla-er for once in its millennia-long life instead of the Godzilla-ee.

Chanda looks up and smiles at Nissa, turned on, but in a straight way.

* * *

**RAL ZAREK**

Ral tries to find Tomik, his lover, who is gay (cool!) and an Orzhov lawyer (I am indifferent!). He meets several Eternals. One well-written fight scene later, he is surrounded by delicious fried zombie. He bursts into Tomik's apartment, and finds... nobody!

Boy, howdy, this scene would be packing an emotional punch right now if we had read the prequels!

And yes, howdy, I'm going to keep harping on that in every post, because seriously Wizards what the hell!

* * *

**KAYA**

"I'm going to get help from the Orzhov," Kaya says. "Teyo and Rat, let's split the party."

"Sure," says Rat, because she wants to flirt with Teyo and establish who wears the pants in this relationship. (Ideally: Nobody. Most likely: Not Teyo.)

"Sure," says Teyo, because he has the free will of dryer lint.

A swarm of Eternals corners the trio in an alley, but they're rescued by some rampaging Gruul warriors, including a particularly burly man, who is probably important because he is described in detail, and Domri Rade, who-

-has an accent? An _Australian_ accent?

Oh, and Burly is Rat's dad.

* * *

**JACE BELEREN**

Jace thinks, brooding so hard that he nearly wills an entire Hot Topic into existence around him.

"I've got a tree," Nissa says without saying anything, because she is very mystical and very socially anxious. Vitu-Ghazi topples the statue of Bolas. It is the first time in ever that paper has actually beaten rock.

 _"Dang, we might actually win now,"_ thinks Jace.

Bolas smiles, knowing we are only 40% into the book.

Egyptian rock music starts playing.

The four dead gods of Amonkhet strut in, each one Eternalized and each one carrying a god-sized metal folding chair.

Treefolk with saplings watching at home, you may want to cover their eyes for this next part.

* * *

**TEYO VERADA**

Kaya's band of plucky new characters who don't make any important decisions runs into Kiora, Samut, Saheeli, and Huatli.

"I think I'm getting used to this," Teyo says.

With a thundering thunder, the God-Eternals appear in the distance.

"Poop."

"Croikey, those are bigg'uns," Domri Rade whispers. He turns to his Gruul brigade. "Ya blokes got giant zombie crocs too?"

"What we lack in zombie gods, we make up for in not-instantly-betraying-you," Burly counter-offers.

"Goin' once, goin' twice, and my loyalty is SOLD, to the massive untrustworthy dragon," Domri laughs as he rides away, flipping everyone off.

* * *

**DACK FAYDEN**

Domri walks up to Bolas for what will surely be a productive meeting amongst equals.

"Top o' the mornin', donny boy, wot's all this then?" Domri shouts to Nicol Bolas' pinky toe, as Dack listens in with magical Peeping Tom magic. "Oi guv'na, I like the jut o' yer jib! Let's yous and me goes 'n' take out da competition, y'know's'm'sayin'?"

Finding these terms agreeable, Bolas (who's subcontracted this scheme so hard that he's done nothing so far but sit on his keister) sends out an Eternal to give Domri a firm businesslike handshake. But oh no! The Eternal has read one too many 1980's self-help books about navigating the cutthroat world of Japanese business, and shakes Domri's hand with such dominance that it sucks up Rade's spark and turns the boy into a planeswalker raisin.

Terribly embarrassed by this mishap, the Eternal decides the only respectable course of action is to commit ritual head-explosion-seppuku, sending the spark to Bolas, who eats it with a side of potato salad.

Domri dies as he lived: Not getting anything accomplished but still annoying as fuck.


	4. Chapter 4

**NICOL BOLAS**

Nicol Bolas pulls out a small pitch pipe. He identifies the key of E flat.

If it helps, I've always imagined Nicol Bolas as voiced by Tim Curry.

🎶 _This is the very model of a Bolas scheme immaculate_ 🎶

🎶 _I've fool-proofed each and ev'ry facet down to the final cubit_ 🎶

🎶 _There's absolutely positively not a way this plan can fail_ 🎶

🎶 _So now I will describe it to the audience in great detail._ 🎶

🎶 _Baan's using the Immortal Sun to trap all those who have a spark_ 🎶

🎶 _Whilst from my Egyptian sandbox the Eternals do now embark_ 🎶

🎶 _Across the Planar Bridge, embodied by Tezzeret, my head grunt_ 🎶

🎶 _Then they'll steal sparks under orders of Vess, who is an utter_ ...ly vital part of this plot.

🎶 _And then all in the Multiverse will recognize as their better_ 🎶

🎶 _Mighty GOD-EMPEROR BOLAS (without a lower-case letter)_ 🎶

🎶 _No single stone's been left unturn'd, my knowledge, it is accurate_ 🎶

🎶 _This is the very model of a Bolas scheme immaculate._ 🎶

* * *

**KAYA**

_"We need a plan,"_ Jace mind-yodels to all of the other planeswalkers. _"W_ _ould every planeswalker in existence mind congregating in one spot for a few minutes?"_

 _"lol no not falling for that shit again,"_ they reply.

Some redshirts play a friendly schoolyard game of hide-and-go-seek with the Eternals and lose horribly.

 _"It'll be catered,"_ Jace adds.

The other 'walkers mull over whether they prefer certain death or near-certain death with lunch.

_"There better be sandwiches. Good ones. With the little toothpicks and everything. If it's Subway crap we walk."_

* * *

**JACE BELEREN**

Jace hides behind a tree.

(Don't worry! I'm being facetious. The hero who took an oath to protect the Multiverse doesn't hide behind a tree.)

(It's a pillar.)

* * *

**RAL ZAREK**

"Well, most of the guilds still aren't interested in Operation Do-The-Thing-That-Got-Niv-Mizzet-Killed-Again," Ral Zarek says, recappingly. "Any luck with the Orzhov, Kaya?"

"Surprisingly, yes," she smirks. "I taught them a little Macroeconomics 101. Specifically, the conditions under which a strong central bank thrives. Even more specifically, when not being craterized by a dragon-god-twat."

* * *

**GIDEON JURA**

"I'm racist against sphinxes," Jace grumbles while standing over Hobby Lobby model no. 3332282-GC, the Extremely Surprised Sphinx Stone Patio Statue.

"Sweet Heliod there's a lot to unpack there," says Gideon, in between mouthfuls of protein powder on rye.

All of the planeswalkers are there. Half of them leave immediately, having fulfilled their contractual obligation to be name-checked at least once in the novel.

"I have a doggy!" Jiang Yanggu squeaks.

"That goes against everything we know about planeswalking," Delt TrapSquat sighs.

"Squirming mortal, you dare claim to understand the forces that hold sway here? There is but one power governing this world, one God, and His name is MARKETABILITY. He has bestowed blessings upon my familiar, who He will use as His tendrils to latch onto a greater realm, beyond even this multiverse. First there will be Mowu playmats. Then Mowu sleeves, and deckboxes, and plushies, as more and more people sacrifice their paychecks to the false deity of consumerism. Next Mowu kigurumi. Mowu chain restaurants. Mowu water bottles. Mowu houses. Mowu banks. Mowu-brand slaves. Mowu-brand *air*. The Mowu lifestyle will eat people alive, starting from the feet and ending with their hollow, rictus-smiles. Earth will burn, and the ashes will be trademarked by Wizards of the Coast."

"Come again?"

"Uh, my puppy likes belly scritches!"

"...Okay. We need a leader and a plan," Grip IronPump says, turning to face the collection of planeswalkers. "I volunteer to lead, because I smell of fresh aftershave and am the most cunning tactician here."

"I beat you unconscious with a puddle," Ob Nixilis sneers.

"That one doesn't count, my plot armor was in the shop that week. No objections? Coo."

"I'll be the plan," Jace calls out as he steps in front of Rep CurlGlute. "Friends and nameless Eternal fodder, we're gathered here to bring down the most fiendish, cunning evil in the multiverse: Sphinxes, damn them all to hell."

"Bolas," Ajani whispers.

"Sphinxes, damn them all to Bolas," Jace quickly recovers. "And to take care of Bolas, we've got to deal with five different problems. One, shut down the beacon still luring planeswalkers to Ravnica. All the named planeswalkers are already here, so that isn't a major concern. One person can easily take care of it in two paragraphs."

"On it," Ral chimes in. "But I'm the cleverest engineer in the multiverse, and designed it to be tamper-proof and unbreakable."

"So maybe three paragraphs, tops. Two, the Immortal Sun."

Chandra's hand shoots up. "I THINK WE SHOULD-"

"Please don't say 'I think we should hit it with fire,'" Perfect Schwarzenegger snaps. He thinks about when Chandra rescued a cat stuck in a tree until it was medium well.

"First off, rude much? Second, Jaya trained me to be more restrained & stuff and broaden my skill set, so now I'm not just a dumb impulsive firebug!"

"Wow, Chandra, I've underestimated you. What do you suggest?"

"I was gonna say we should hit it with a kiloton _assload_ of-"

"THREE," Jace course-corrects, "we need someone to shut down the Planar Bridge, by going through the portal all the zombies are coming from."

"That's a suicide mission," Jaya points out.

"And how! We have planeswalkers to spare, so we'll just sacrifice three with the combined personality of an Ikea nightstand. But that's not my problem, because I'm calling dibs on four, Liliana Vess, leaving last but not least five, Bolas."

"Six, save every single civilian," Bench ThickBar adds, knowing a chance to flex his martyr complex when he sees one.

"Seven, bring Niv-Mizzet back to life," Ral interjects.

"Eight, stop the God-Eternals coming this way t' march up yous guyses' sphincters," an Izzet goblin finishes.

"Six problems!" Jace announces. "Let's do this!"

Half-hearted applause from the small contingent of cricket planeswalkers.

"Let's do this!" TruthJustice P90XFace beams.

The crowd goes apeshit. Men whoop and holler. Women faint. Children wave brightly colored handkerchiefs. An eighteen-piece brass band plays the American national anthem, My Humps.

"And *that*," Gideon says, affectionately patting Jace on the head while not hiding behind a pillar, "is how you protagonist."


	5. Part Five

**KAYA**

Kaya, Teyo, and Rat heads towards Vitu-Ghazi.

"Nissa will come with us, because she is ancient and wise and can translate the cryptic yet beautiful tongue of the elves," Kaya says.

"We all speak common, you know," Nissa huffs. "And I'm not ancient, I'm twenty-three, you 2016 Ghostbusters remake. Suck my ladydick."

"Truly, every word of their mystical language is a song unto itself."

"I THOUGHT I WAS RATHER EXPLICIT ABOUT OUR POLICY RE: FUCKING AND OFF," the centaur guard bellows.

"Does it help if mention my godfather is your poker buddy?" Rat asks.

"FUCK YEAH IT DOES."

"That seems... awfully convenient," Kaya whispers. "Also, why are you invisible to everyone else?"

"Excuse me," Rat tsks, "I mentioned that I had a godfather and ties to the Selesnya in chapter six?"

Teyo flips back a few hundred pages in his personal copy of the novel. "Wow, she's right."

Rat nods. "Just because you mentally checked out during the one time the novel set up a future pay-off, doesn't mean it didn't happen. And I'll explain the invisible thing later."

"ALRIGHT," the guard interrupts, "WE'RE OPENING THE GATE. EVERYBODY... UH... FUCK *ON*, I GUESS? EXCEPT THE ELF."

"What did I do?" Nissa bawls, elfily.

The guard motions to the smoldering worldtree-shaped crater behind him.

"Fair cop."

* * *

**GIDEON**

Fabio HonorChin takes to the skies on his pegasus. The God-Eternal Rhonas is enjoying its working vacation, although it regrets not packing an eleven-foot flyswatter in its carry-on. The big snek knocks angels out of the sky left and right, but Bronze RockPose deftly avoids catching these hands. Perf LegDay stabs Rhonas in the eye, Rhonas re-dies, it's a sad day for snake lovers everywhere.

 _"I hope I can still convince Liliana there's a shred of good inside of her,"_ Gideon thinks.

* * *

**LILIANA VESS**

_"I hope I can still convince Gideon there's a shred of good inside of me,"_ Liliana thinks, mentally planning her packing list for an extended stay in Argentina.

* * *

**TEYO**

"Arrivadenci, it's-a me. You come into my house, on the day my daughter is to be-"

"Wrong godfather, godfather," Rat chimes in.

"Oh thank Mat'Selesnya, I haven't actually seen the movie and only know the one quote. I'll take you to Emmara and Trostani now."

"So, as I was saying," Rat continues, "I'm not actually capable of turning invisible. I'm just so insignificant that people overlook me. Like a rat. Get it? Because my name is Rat, and I'm like a rat. Even my dad struggles to see me sometimes!"

"Having your father ignore you isn't a superpower," Teyo grunts. "Lots of us didn't try out for high school football."

"Greetings, travelers. I am Emmara," Emmara says, gluten-freely.

"What do we have to do to get the Selesnya's approval for Operation Batshit Last Chance?" Rat asks.

Teyo stares at Rat. "Your eyes are like gorgeous, uh, gorges," he manages to mumble.

Emmara doesn't hear, because she is thinking about kale chips. "You have to sit here until Trostani's middle head wakes up. Then they will sing the most beautiful song in the world, and you can advance on your quest."

"Anything need doing on our part?" Kaya asks.

"Nope, just wait for the Eurovision performance."

"Cool. We haven't put the newbies through any character-building choices or believably high-stakes situations yet, and I didn't want to start now."

Trostani's middle head wakes up. "And a one, and a two, and a one, two,

🎶 _Whatchu gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk..."_ 🎶

* * *

**RAL ZAREK**

"Hi, I'm here to shut down the planar beacon," Ral says.

"But the beacon's done been made of nonshutdownium!" Chief Chemister Varryvort balks.

"Then I will shut down the power to the beacon!" Ral proclaims. This works, because the massive tower that requires a constant electrical input doesn't have a back-up generator. Or heavy insulation over the cabling running from the power supply to the beacon. And never mind that all cables and wires have an inherent small amount of resistance, so you always want your power supply as close as possible for a large scale high-voltage project, which means the power supply can then be folded into the beacon's various protective measures. (Can you guess what my day job is?)

"It's working!" Ral re-proclaims, electric blue light glinting off his push-me-to-the-floor-and-unf-me-like-an-animal five o' clock shadow. "Varrywort, sacrifice yourself to save me from the rampaging weirds spontaneously created by this conflux of mizzium and electricity!"

"Um, there ain't none of them there weirds here, boss."

"Then fend off the Eternals clawing their way up the beacon to get to us, spelling certain doom if even one lays a single finger on me!"

"Naw man, we're all scot-free of those too."

"Anything at all to add any tension whatsoever to this scene and make it more than a slow, tedious electrical procedure?"

"Well, over yonder I reckon I see that God-Eternal Kefnet boy up to no dadgum good. Maybe you could shoot its arm right off or something."

A loud zap.

"SQUAWK!" (Translation: "WHAT THE FLAP, I DON'T EVEN TAP FOR MANA")

* * *

**TEYO**

"Hi, Mom," Rat says. "Hi, Dad. I'm here to convince Borborygmos to join Operation Have You Tried Turning The Ancient Dragon Off And On Again."

"Good for you, sweetie. As long as you're home before supper."

"I don't understand the invisible lifestyle you live, but I respect your choices and love you nonetheless."

"Borborygmos fell from grace largely because he supported Ral's last initiative," Kaya whispers to Teyo. "It'll take a lot to win him over. Listen closely to what Rat says to him, because it will provide great insight into both characters' motivations, and their relationship. It might possibly even add to our understanding of the philosophy of the Gruul Clans, a topic often simplified into utter barbarianism in other avenues of lore that don't have time to dig deep like a novel does."

Rat whispers something imperceptibly into Borborygmos' ear. Borborygmos blushes, then immediately adds his forces to the cause.

"Oh come **ON**."

* * *

**DACK**

"Aight, I've got this figured out," Dack says. "I've volunteered to go through the portal to Amonkhet and shut down the Planar Bridge. Then, I'll be away from the Immortal Sun's influence, so I can skedaddle from this dumpster fire and finish that comic series fans are clamoring for."

"You should be aware that I can hear you," Karn says.

"Poopy."

"Do not worry. On this team, that earns you the silver medal for teamwork." Karn shoots a side-eye at Samut, who has strayed from the group to roll around at the speed of sound.

In the distance, Ob Nixilis beats Eternals to re-death with orphaned kittens.

* * *

**RAL**

Ral and Kaya venture into Korozda, wheeling along Teyo and Rat in a dual-seater baby stroller. They run into a gaggle of legendary creatures.

"Hello, I'm Ral. Have you heard the good news about our lord and savior Operation What Are We, Some Kind Of Guild Pact?"

"Fuck off," Izoni says.

"Fuck off," Valroz says.

Mazirek says nothing, because his corpse is wrapped in a tarp and two zombies are chucking it into a dumpster.

"Any chance we could speak to your manager?" Kaya asks.

"You fool. The manager is out. We are the acting managers. The hive-manager-mind," the commanders who utterly outclassed by Meren speak in unison.

"Consider this a sudden shake-up of the org chart, then," a figure in the shadows says. It emerges from the darkness, stirring its appletini with one of its longer snake-hairs.

"Backstreet's back, alright."


	6. Chapter 6

**DACK FAYDEN**

Dack pours sand out of his shoe. "Huh. I expected crossing through the Planar Bridge to flay the skin from my bones, since it only transports inorganic matter. But all that happened was my foot fell asleep and my mouth tastes like tinfoil."

They beat Tezzeret and shut down the Planar Bridge. It's a cool fight scene. A hummingbird blows up Tezzeret's tits.

"Thanks boo," Tezzeret laughs as he planeswalks away.

"Wait, 'thanks'?" Dack asks.

Tezz rolls his eyes. "I want to usurp Bolas's' place as multiple-arc-spanning villain. But game recognize game, and that sum'bitch is Ants In Your Pants, so I'm just biding time until you nerds take him out. Peace." He disappears in a flash of douchitude.

Harozet bounds up to the team and slobbers over Samut's face. "Oh my me I missed you so much I've been waiting at the Planar Bridge since you left but you took twenty minutes which is like six forevers and I missed you and I asserted my dominance over some sandals that looked at me funny and I sniffed the Scarab God's butt and did I mention I missed you and-"

"Do you have any MacGuffins?" Karn asks.

"Yep yep! I have a spear and Sarkhan asked me about it and it could probably defeat Bolas and-"

"Cool. Karn out." Lightning, and Amonkhet is one spear and one giant metal dude lighter.

"I'm leaving the novel now. Smell you later, DORKS," Ob Nixilis snorts. He vanishes faster than a bulk rare from 2003 that vaguely synergizes with a newly spoiled commander.

 _"Dammit,"_ Dack thinks, _"we can't **both** leave the novel. Well, one of us has to change."_

* * *

**VRASKA**

"I'm brooding because I did bad things," Vraska broods. "Broody broody brood brood." My Chemical Romance plays from tinny mall speakers.

"Here, take this child," a Golgari priest says to Vraska. Even for a dung beetle who lives in a literal sewer, a four-year-old is a bit much.

Vraska looks at the child. The child looks at Vraska. Vraska remembers using the child's parents as garden gnomes. This pushes Vraska to brood even harder. She would have the title of Brood Lord if it weren't trademarked by Blizzard.

"I wish I hadn't backstabbed Jace by following Bolas' orders. Then we could've set up a playdate for our respective mental health issues," Vraska thinks. I mean, broods.

* * *

**GIDEON**

Davriel Cane and Tibalt team up to fight Eternals. It's my favorite sentence in the book.

"Hit me," the Wanderer says to Gideon.

"My momma taught me never to hit a woman," Martyr ChestHair Jr. says.

"No time for niceties! Hit me like I'm your daddy issues with Heliod!"

Jab McPorkQuad slaps her shit. It bounces off her harmlessly and transforms into a shockwave that knocks out large swaths of Eternals.

"Wow. Any chance we'll see that on a card?" he asks.

"Not for at least another four years."

* * *

**CHANDRA NALAAR**

"We've come to kick ass and blow up the Immortal Sun," Chandra says to Dovin Baan, backed by Saheeli and Lavinia. "And we're all out of blowing up the Immortal Sun."

"No, we're not," Saheeli nudges her, "that's why we're here."

"Okay, we're not out of blowing up the Immortal Sun. We have more in the back. But kicking ass is definitely agenda item number one."

"Thank you for falling into my trap," Dovin smiles smoothly. "You'll find I've prepared for you, and devised devices to exploit each of your weaknesses."

"Care to show us how you've planned to exploit each of our weaknesses?" Lavinia asks.

"No, I'm just going to tell you I did. Now let me monologue at you, Chandra," Dovin says, menacingly approaching her as thopters box her in.

"I'm over here, Actuarial Smurf!" a distant second Chandra shouts.

Dovin double-takes. The first Chandra is not a Chandra at all, but a Lazav, who stabs Dovin in the eyes with Naruto stars.

"This is a complete non sequitur!" Dovin screams. "It wasn't foreshadowed or built up at all!"

Lazav smirks. "Because spies are known for conspicuousness?"

"Fair point."

Chandra stands on top of the Immortal Sun. "Think, Chandra, think... what did Jace say?"

Jace's voice appears in her mind. _"...blah blah blah I'm smart yada yada yada you're eight months behind on rent blah blah flammable means it can be ignited, not that it should be doo doo doo say the nine magic words to shut down the Immortal Sun et cetera et cetera et cetera please stop photocopying your butt and stapling the photocopy of your butt to Liliana's zombies' foreheads, how are you doing that, this plane doesn't even_ have _staplers yakity yak yakity..."_

"Oh yes. Nine words. Um... uh... SHE WORE AN ITSY-BITSY TEENY-WEENY YELLOW POLKA DOT BIKINI!"

The Immortal Sun, which has put in hella overtime and just wants to go home, decides this is close enough and shuts down.

* * *

**DACK FAYDEN**

Neheb shows up, re-Eternalized. Hi, Neheb!

Samut instantly re-re-decapitates Neheb. Bye, Neheb!

Having made the choice to stay and fight in his last PoV chapter, Dack... um... _continues_ choosing to stay and fight. Not a very meaty chapter.

* * *

**KAYA**

"We're descending into the depths of Rix Maadi," Rat whispers. "Watch where you step. There's some gorgeous prose here, and it'd be a shame if someone squashed it."

Kaya and Ral sneak past a devil unicyclist, closely clutching the human Tamogachi pets that are Teyo and Rat. The devil juggles used heroin needles and fuzzy handcuffs.

"Also, if you didn't get tetanus shots before this," Rat adds, "let me know what song you want bagpiped at your funeral."

"BRING ME HEKARA," RAKDOS BELLOWS, OUTSIDE VOICILY.

Ral glances at Kaya. "You have Hekara, right?"

Kaya grimaces. "I left her in the prequel stories. I thought you had her!"

Tomik appears. It is a cathartic moment for the two people who time traveled from October 2019 to read the novel after reading the prequel stories. "I have Hekara's corpse."

"NOICE. EXAVA WILL TAKE HER INTO THE BLOODWITCH ROOM OF CONVENIENT REVIVAL AND CONVENIENTLY REVIVE HER."

Exava does so, grumbling that Judith was supposed to cover her shift as token guild legend this novel.

Hekara exits the Room of Convenient Revival, conveniently revived. "Oh, hiya Mistah R! Do you wanna joy-un Ral's Operaytion-"

"NO."

"Your funeral, puddin'! Tee-hee!" She turns to face Ral and Kaya. "Hey, Mistah R, can I have acting guild leader powah *wink wink* so I can ab-suh-loot-ly *wink wink* not use it *wink wink* to bring *wink wink* Niv-Mizzy *wink* back *wink* tah *wink* life?"

"SURE. I LEFT A SPARE ONE UNDER THE DOORMAT."

* * *

**JACE BELEREN, LILIANA VESS**

So the upshot of these chapters is Jace tries to kill Liliana, and gets close, but she lives. The rest of it is about Jace's and Liliana's relationship, which involves heaps of manipulation and abuse.

Now, I believe you can joke about serious topics. To an extent, I believe you *should* joke about serious topics. Humor is the cheese slice that helps us swallow the bitter pill of truth, just before we drag our butt across the carpet of life experience and poop on the hardwood flooring of public opinion. But if you're going to yuk-yuk about something dead serious like abusive relationships, you need to know the matter intimately, and you need to knock it out of the park. I'm not in a position to do either.

So my producer (who is also me, this is a very low-budget text post) has decided we're cutting to commercial break, and we'll pick back up when the book stops being serious.

 _Jesus PimentoBrow. Ford AmericaThigh. The Right Honourable Sprint SteedStud. Gideon nicknames peacefully grazed the plains of Bant for centuries, living in harmony with nature. But this once-proud species has recently become endangered due to habitat loss from Knight of the Reliquary activations and poaching by hack writers who don't know when to stop a running gag. According to omnibiologist Dr. Julius Jumblemorph, if these threats are left unchecked, The Greater Northern Bant Gideon Nickname_ (Astrorebellico ripoffacus) _will go extinct before we reach Gideon's Magic Origin story. Fortunately, you can help give defenseless nicknames hope. For a small, one-time donation of five dollars to the Gideon Nickname Protection Fund, we will symbolically adopt a nickname such as Flex Survivor'sGuilt in your honor - complete with a certificate of adoption, a letter of thanks, and a photo of your nickname frolicking in the wild. Operators are standing by. Limit one nickname per person per eternally reincarnating soul per household. Not valid in Guatemala. They know what they did. If your nickname eats a tourist you will be held legally responsible. Call now!_

* * *

**TEYO**

"Nissa, you're good at leylines, right?" Kaya asks expositionly.

"Yes, but what I'm great at is laying Chandra," Nissa mutters.

"What?"

"Nothing!"

Nissa arranges the guild leaders so they can bring Niv-Mizzet back to life.

"Anything you need?" Teyo asks. "Snacks? Juice boxes? Positive encouragement?"

"Not really," Ral says. "Just stand there and be the focus of the tight third-person narration."

The ten guild leaders hold hands and chant.

🎶 _"Raise Niv-Mizzet from the dead, doo dah, doo dah, with this steel Niv-Mizzet head, all the doo dah day."_ 🎶

Niv-Mizzet wakes up.

"This is good!" Ral exclaims.

Niv-Mizzet cold-cocks Kefnet and collapses.

"Don't worry, he's still under manufacturer's warranty!"


	7. Chapter 7

**RAL ZAREK**

"I feel like a failure," Ral says.

"Don't worry, honey. That's only because you've been failing so much lately," Tomik reassures him, stroking Ral's cheek. His face-cheek, you pervert.

"Have we tried stabbing Nicol Bolas a bunch?" Gideon asks.

"Does anyone have a better idea?" everyone asks. "Anyone?"

"Clearly, the solution is to renew our oaths," Ajani cheerfully suggests.

"Awesome possum," Strength TonedKnee says. "I'll start. Because I need enough Self-Sacrifice Tickets to trade in at the prize counter for absolution for my friends' deaths and a glittery snap bracelet, I Will Keep Watch."

Jace steps up. "For the sake of the multiverse, I Will Keep Watch."

Chandra quickly swallows the twelve pizza rolls stored chipmunk-style in her mouth before speaking. "Because I stole it from the prize counter, and I need to know the time, and it's neat how it has Mickey Mouse and his arms are the hands, I Will Keep Watch."

The camera slowly pans to Nissa. “I thought I could be neutral in all this conflict and strife, but this battle is too wide-reaching to ignore. If Nicol Bolas wins, so much majesty will perish. Nothing short of beauty itself is at stake. For Chandra’s coochie, I WILL KEEP WATCH!"

* * *

**CHANDRA NALAAR**

Ace LumberLumbar and Jace pull Chandra behind the stone statue of Isperia, now helpfully painted by some friendly neighborhood pigeons.

"Chandra," Jace says, "we need your help with the pla-"

Chandra covers her ears and starts shrieking.

"Jace, what did I tell you about using the P-word in front of red mages?" Thor ApplePie deadlifts.

"Right. Chandra, can you help with the... *series of non-impulsive decisions*?"

"Of course," Chandra says. "So, tell me what you want, what you really really want."

"Can you turn the Immortal Beacon back on?" Jace asks.

“How? Not once in my life have I successfully un-broke-ified something.”

“The word is 'fixed,'" Kurt DemocracyKnuckle corrects.

"Never heard of it. Are you going to ask me to make an ice-palace with my ice powers next?"

"Listen, Chandra," Jace interjects, "we have an intricate, eighty-six-step... _Mr. Do-Stuff Listy_ , and our best chance at success is if you’re far away. Would you do it for a Roman candle?”

“...”

“*Twoooo* Roman candles?”

“...Fine.”

* * *

**VRASKA VRASKADOESNTHAVEALASTNAMEDOTTER**

Vraska cuts in front of Jace as he moves to exit. "Brood?" she asks.

"Brood brood," he replies, needs-a-therapistly.

"Brood brood brood brood."

"Brood brood brood."

"Brood **brood** brood brood brood _brood_ brood?"

"Brood brood brood!" Jace balks, having never so much as seen the yam in question. "Brood brood optimistic-brood flirty-brood brood brood."

"Brood reciprocal-flirty-brood sorry-'bout-all-the-murders-brood sexy-brood."

Jace smiles. "I love your way with words."

* * *

**CHANDRA NALAAR**

Chandra steps onto the Immortal Sun, tries reigniting it a few times, and huffs. "Nothing is working!"

Saheeli sighs. "One, the power supply is switched off. Two, the HDMI cable is connected to the motherboard instead of the dedicated graphics card. Three, the Immortal Sun is on the dais behind you. You're standing on a waffle iron."

Chandra looks down. She is indeed toes-deep in boysenberry goodness.

"How 'bout that."

One repositioning later, Chandra super saiyans, and the Immortal Sun turns back on.

* * *

**DACK FAYDEN**

Eternals swarm Dack Fayden like cousins clamoring to use your non-Cheeto-stained Wii Nunchuk.

"I chose to stay and fight," Dack reasons, nervously. "By the internal logic of the story, that makes me a hero, doesn't it? I should be rewarded, or least die a glorious death, right, novel?"

The novel pauses, then tells Dack the Lannisters send their regards.

An Eternal, seeing Dack is going through a hard time, gives him a warm hug.

"A Gods-be-damned Eternal!"

"*Someone* didn't watch the employee sensitivity training video."

"I'll planeswalk away from this! After all, we permanently shut off the Immortal Sun!"

Dack Fayden does not planeswalk away from this.

Dack Fayden dies as he lived:

Wait, who were we talking about?

* * *

**LILIANA VESS**

"On one hand," Liliana says to herself, "my friends will kill me if they win. But if Bolas wins, I'll be his slave forever, and I hate him with a- wait, does the novel really say I hate him with a 'red, white, and black' passion here?"

The novel really does say Liliana hates him with a 'red, white, and black' passion. It's an interesting turn of phrase.

"Oh come now, what does that even *mean*? I hate him like a Les Mis song dipped in milk? I loathe him like Batman in a well-stocked wine cellar? I despise him like a nun from a Frank Miller comic? If I survive, I'm ringing my agent and giving him a stern murdering-to."

Somewhere in the oversized YTMND gif that passes for Liliana's brain, a blue ball labelled "must fake some do-goodery before the Gatewatch turns me into chunky salsa" bounds over a button marked "rather behind on my dragon-slaughter quota this week".

Nicol Bolas plops down in the middle of her mind. The Pee Wee's Big Adventure music grinds to a halt. "I APPRECIATE YOU TAKING TIME TO CONSIDER YOUR DILEMMA - STILL GOING TO INSTANTLY FLAY YOU IF YOU BETRAY ME, BY THE BY - BUT GOODY SIX PACKS IS FLYING TOWARDS ME WITH A VERY SAINT GEORGE GLEAM IN HIS EYE. BE A DEAR, WOULD YOU?"

Liliana stops microing the other Eternals and takes full command of Oketra, firing an arrow at Griff ChevyLats. The arrow hits a mite too low, killing The Star-Spangled Porterhouse's pegasus, who, as you'll recall, was named Gideon's Two Days Until Retirement. (She was actually several decades from retiring, due to percentage of income spent on rent in the United States steadily climbing since 2001 and the American health care system being a waking nightmare.)

"Whoops," Liliana feigns Julliardly. "I 'missed'."

* * *

**KAYA**

Lots of fight scenes. A little about Kaya missing her girlfriend, who we definitely care deeply about because she was definitely introduced to us before. Lots of Kobe MarblingDash falling.

* * *

**JACE BELEREN**

Rakdos bursts out of the ground Meat-Loaf-album-cover-esquely, catching Might EagleScout!

Nissa taps Jace on the shoulder. "What's Rakdos saying? Why is he helping when he didn't want to before? Are treefolk vegan?"

"No clue," Jace says, as his cloak blocks the camera, billowingly.

* * *

**GIDEON JURA**

Blackblade explodes into soggy paper-mache as it collides with Nicol Bolas's's's face. (I'm going to be pooping unicorn smiles when this novel is over and I don't have to consult the Chicago Manual of Style every time Bolas has a thing. Stupid names ending in 's'.)

"This doesn't make any sense!" Brent GrillBroil, Esq. screams as he plummets to earth.

"OH, IT MAKES TUSHLOADS OF SENSE," Bolas laughs. And to twist the knife, it's one of those annoying snort-laughs. "I'LL EXPLAIN IT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER, BECAUSE IT'S HELLA TIGHT. ONE OF THE BEST PARTS OF THE NOVEL."

An extended slide-whistle sound effect.

A crunch.

A silence.

A trombone simultaneously playing Taps and the The Price Is Right losing horn, but petering out as the trombonist realizes everyone preferred the silence.


	8. Chapter 8

**NICOL BOLAS**

🎶 " _In olden days a glimpse of stocking / was looked on as something shocking / but now_ \- OH, HELLO, AUDIENCE. DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE."

"YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHY I AM IMPERVIOUS TO THE BLACKBLADE. THE ANSWER IS EASY: BLACKBLADE VACCINES."

"BUT HERE'S THE PART THAT KICKS MAJOR REAR. MY MONA LISA. MY SPIDER-MAN INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE. MY PL_BADWATER."

**_"I GAVE GIDEON THE BLACKBLADE."_ **

"NOT LITERALLY, OF COURSE. I PUT IT JUST FAR ENOUGH OFF THE BEATEN PATH THAT IT LOOKED LIKE A POWERFUL RELIC LOST TO TIME. I SPREAD WHISPERS ON DOMINARIA OF AN ANCIENT SWORD WITH ELDER DRAGON-SLAYING POWERS. I THINK I ACTUALLY USED THE WORD 'MACGUFFIN' A FEW TIMES. I PLACED BELZENLOK - WHO HAS NOT HAD HIS SCHEDULED VACCINATIONS AND BELIEVES IN THE HEALING POWER OF EVERYTHING-BAGEL-SCENTED ESSENTIAL OILS - FRONT AND CENTER SO THE GATEWATCH WOULD BELIEVE IN THE BLADE'S MIGHT. AND I WATCHED AS THEY PINNED EVERY HOPE TO THEIR PRECIOUS ANTIQUE ROADSHOW BUTTER KNIFE, ALL THE WHILE CACKLING AND REORGANIZING MY COLLECTION OF 1950'S PLAYBILLS."

"PERFECTLY PLANNED. PERFECTLY EXECUTED. PERFECTLY WRITTEN."

"YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION TO APPLAUD NOW, WORMS."

* * *

**LILIANA VESS**

_“I’ve been running from death my whole life,”_ Liliana muses. _“But there are some things worse than death. Guilt. Eternal servitude. Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Whelp, guess I'm going out in a blaze of glory.”_

“Bolas!” she shouts. “I hate you! And your stupid, really flat head!”

“EXCUSE ME, MY FLAT HEAD IS A MEDICAL CONDITION. MOMMY SAYS IT'S MY SUPERPOWER. EAT LAWYER, YOU BULLY."

Liliana's end-user-license-agreement tattoos burn violet, as bits of skin turn ash-gray and flake off. Suddenly, a hand grabs her shoulder. A golden glow surrounds her.

"I'm giving you my powers," Gideon Jura wheezes.

"You're giving me your..." Realization washes over Vicky SephoraDemons. "Oh. _Oh. **OH NO.**_ Don't do this, Beefsteak. You're the one who deserves to live. Not me. And is it even living if I can't slather you with A1 sauce and eat all thirty-six ounces?"

"I can't be the hero this time, Liliana," Gideon faintly smiles. "But you can."

"Do you... _know_... what the word 'hero' means?"

"I can put coal between my buttocks, clench, and pull out diamonds. Dictionaries have no power before me." He collapses.

 _"FINALLY,"_ Gideon thinks as everything fades. _"I've pig-headedly thrown myself into blatantly fatal situations for NINE YEARS trying to get this stupid hero's death. Thanks, pavement."_

"No prob, brah."

And thus, with a flex, he dies.

* * *

**KYTHEON IORA**

Kytheon Iora wakes up on Theros. He looks down at his clothes, which are of Theros, the place that is Theros.

" _I might be on Theros,_ " he thinks.

His Irregulars bring him a cookie cake with "HAPPY SUICIDE" written in red icing.

 _"I'm redeemed,"_ Kytheon thinks, _"because of my suicide. Working through the pain and growing as a person weren't options; the only way to earn happiness was brutal slow agonizing suicide.”_

_“I hope there aren’t too many kids reading this book."_

_"And I hope Liliana makes the most of the opportunity I gave her.”_

* * *

**JULES BETRAYALPROM**

”Driver’s license, credit card, gym card, gym card, gym card... ooh, froyo shop loyalty card with nine punches!”

* * *

**CHANDRA NALAAR**

You remember the scene from Thor Ragnorak where the Hulk is "MONSTER, SMASH" and Thor is "NO SMASH" and the Hulk is "BUT MONSTER??? SMASH???"

Chandra is Hulk, Liliana is Monster, and Jace is Thor.

Nobody is Valkyrie. Tessa Thompson is peerless.

* * *

**NICOL BOLAS**

Niv-Mizzet stabs BOLAS with Hazoret's spear.

"I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER PREPARING FOR THIS POSSIBILITY BY BAUTISTA BOMBING YOU INTO AN OPEN GRAVE," the GOD-EMPEROR snarls.

"You above all should know we dragons don't die easily," Niv smirks, badass-quote-from-the-novel-ly.

"WHATEVER. THIS IS BUT A MINOR SETBACK."

"Yes, but _this_ is a major setback," Mandy ContourGoth cackles. Bontu and Oketra come down on THE GOD-EMPEROR like a Utah high school principal on a girl with exposed shoulders. BOLAS obliterates Oketra, but Bontu bites HIM on HIS... hold on, I need to check if BOLAS' elbow follows the weird rule where everything about NICOL BOLAS the DRAGON-GOD, the GOD-DRAGON, is shouted through a bull-horn... yep, AP Style Guide, rule 837, gotcha, we now return to our regularly scheduled snark... ELBOW.

"Ugh, it tastes like day-old McDonald's fries."

BOLAS looks down at the bite mark. "This is going to hurt, isn't it."

"Like a mother," Stacy SlytherinHouseBarbie nods.

* * *

**LUCY VANDERPUMPTHULU**

NICOL BOLAS transforms into a Fourth of July salute to the troops, but without my uncle reeking of Coors and rambling about how "they" killed Kennedy.

Liliana's golden invincibile aura runs off to pick up its dry cleaning.

"Should I leave now?" she asks Jace.

He looks out at a sea of angry planeswalkers, who are negotiating with Rakdos for the purchase of a hundred torches and pitchforks. "Only if getting additional orifices is a deal breaker."

Liliana yoinks Bolas' Spirit-Avacado and vanishes in a puff of anti-hero.

* * *

**CHANDRA NALAAR**

Crying, Chandra wraps herself around Nissa. "I loved Gids. I loved him so much."

Nissa holds Chandra at arm's length. _"Am I not watering her enough? Maybe she needs repotting."_

Chandra looks up. "I love you too, you know."

Nissa's mouth hangs open. Blood rushes to her cheeks. A pause, as the words find the way out of her head.

"Love you back, you gorgeous amazing idiot lesbian."

Chandra smiles. Ticker tape rains from the sky. I forgive Wizards for everything, ever.

* * *

**TEYO VERADA**

Ral and Tomik make out. Jace and Vraska split a pair of earbuds and bond over This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race. Teyo stares out at the devestation.

"Is this what my health teacher meant when she said I was about to go through some major changes?"

"What do we do about our destroyed clubhouse?" Jace asks, removing his lips from Vraska's facehole for a few seconds.

"Clearly, the solution is to renew our oaths," Ajani cheerfully suggests.

"We did that an hour ago," Nissa coughs. "Although, we need to fill the hole in our roster. Narset? Teyo? Ob Nixilis? Not picky."

"Sure," Kaya offers.

"Wait, you?"

"I can't have been a PoV character for nothing. For a tidy resolution, I Will Keep Watch."

Niv-Mizzet flaps his wings and lands before the crowd. He is very Guildpacty. "The planeswalkers who aided Nicol Bolas's machinations escaped justice."

"Clearly, the solution is to-"

Saheeli Rai stands behind the now-collapsed Ajani. "Sorry, hang error caused by shoddy multithreading. Should be fixed in the next patch."

Niv clears his throat. "I charge Ral Zarek with the duty of hunting Tezzeret, Vraska with capturing Dovin Baan, and Kaya with finding and killing Liliana Vess."

Kaya cocks her head to the side. "Mr. Mizzet, does your jurisdiction as Guildpact extend to other planes?"

"No, but my jurisdiction to cut a bih extends just beyond your face, so get hopping."

* * *

**JACE BELEREN**

_"Nicol Bolas must not die,"_ a voice in Jace's head states tersely.

Jace mulls this over. _"But he just did. Three chapters ago."_

_"This a flashback, you walking YouTube comment."_

_"Ah. Give me a sec to flip back a few pages. Wait... that smug condescension masquerading as enlightenment... Ugin?"_

_"Such deductive prowess. Jigsaw puzzles must quake before you."_

_"Your last words to me were, and I quote, 'I am putting a restraining order out on you and the rest of your Mystery Machine maroons for the safety of my sole surviving brain cell.'"_

_"Desperate times call for desperate overlooking of canon."_

_"Back to the point. Why do we need to keep Bolas alive? And if you couch the answer in some cryptic sudoku I'll murder Bolas twice."_

_"He sells packs."_

_"Why didn't you say so?"_ Jace illusions a Bolas death while Ugin spirits the real Bolas away.

Heh, 'Ugin spirits'. That one wasn't even on purpose.

* * *

**TWO DRAGONS**

The newly desparked dragon wakes up to a familiar sight. It's like gazing into a ghostly, equally-but-oppositely-douchy mirror.

"Greetings, twin brother."

"Lick my cloaca, Ugin."

"I see you remain bothered I beat you out for the lead in our high school production of 1776."

"Because your bari-tenor is garbage, and if your acting were any more wooden it would make each creature assign combat damage equal to its toughness rather than its power. Now tell me what I did wrong so I can miraculously escape to my Meditation Realm and plot revenge."

"The good news is you are already in the Meditation Realm. Although to call it 'yours' is a misrepresentation."

Establishing shot of the Meditation Realm. The large inward-curved horns looming in the distance are gone, replaced by a single Ugin horn. The other horn lies on the ground. Construction workers are eating sandwiches on top of it.

"And as for your scheme, your Spirit-Gem was actually my spy camera, you underestimated Niv-Mizzet, you put too much power into Hazoret's spear, and you nevered fathomed that Liliana might betray you."

"Shouldn't have nabbed the thing the story never specified how I nabbed, didn't plan for the dead guy to stab me with a weapon he couldn't get, and didn't account for the eventuality I clearly accounted for. Gotcha."

"So now the show is over. The audience has gone home. The lead actor is boinking a chorus girl in the handicapped-accessible restroom. And the curtain has fallen."

"But what about Ashiok? Ashiok was supposed to do something here, right?"

"The curtain has fallen."

"What's Liliana supposed to do with the Spirit-Kinder-Egg? Does she sit on it until it hatches into a tinier Liliana?"

"Curtain's fallen."

"And now that the interplanar threat is out of the way, won't Sorin and Nahiri immediately resume their overwrought JoJo fight scene bull-kahooie, tearing Ravnica apart until one is dead? Won't readers want to see that?"

"CURTAIN. FALLEN."

"This is nonsense! I demand a more thorough denouement! I *deserve* a better denouement! For I am the GREAT..." Blink, blink, blink. "Who am I again?"

"Oh, I should have mentioned that earlier. I purloined your name, robbing you of your magic."

"How does that even work? Any of it? At all?"

"Does it matter? We already established dragons' names have power in the M19 stories. It's like warp speed in Star Wars: Any technical explanation will be unsatisfying, so we gloss over it and get to the important bit, which is that you are trapped here with me."

"No."

"Until your inevitable death."

"No!"

"And I have 'It's A Small World' stuck in my head."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

# THE END.

## ...OR IS IT?

### (IT ISN'T.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STUFF I LIKED ABOUT THE NOVEL
> 
> Despite what it may seem from, well, everything I've written, I'm deeply grateful Greg Weisman and the creative team took their time and energy to bring this story into the world.
> 
> Ravnica: War of the Spark is the result of multitudes of talented people who love their job trying their hardest. Sometimes that results in greatness. Sometimes, because of chance or deadlines or miscommunication or millions of other reasons, it doesn't. So we've got to be kind. Criticize the story, not the storyteller. And if & when Wizards knocks the writing out of the park again (have you read the first chapter of Django Wexler's prequel? Nudge, nudge), we should whoop and holler and love with the intensity we grumble right now.
> 
> With that in mind, I want to share my favorite bits, to end this summary/parody/satire/roast on a positive note.
> 
> That Blackblade twist. Dayum.
> 
> I don't usually like fight scenes. But the fights in War of the Spark are all cleanly "choreographed" and distinctive, so I had a much better time with them.
> 
> Teyo, Rat, and Hekara are all well-written characters with great dynamics. Definitely want to see more of them in the future.
> 
> Ob Nixilis is portrayed as a one-dimensional, moustache-twirling villain with no goal but causing as much pain as demonly possible, which is... absolutely correct 10/10 straight fire thank you for bringing my boi to life
> 
> The novel does LGBTQ representation well, according to friends knowledgable about the topic. For me, representation is the sprinkles on the cupcake, but I know people who see it as the frosting, and I'm glad Wizards looks out for them.
> 
> The prose in the descent into Rix Maadi is, in a word, dummy thicc. I need more of Greg Weisman slopping a setting into a crock pot and cooking it on low for eight hours.


End file.
